I remember I was still in elementary school. I was the overly friendly girl who talked to as many people as I could. Well, eventually after talking to several students in my class, I had my first “school girl crush.” This crush lasted from 1st to 6th grade.
This young boy, named AJ, was probably a few months older than me with tan skin, brown hair, and the cutest little personality. We decided to “date.” He would come home with me after school some afternoons and my grandmother would let us sit on the front porch and then she would bring us ice cream and soda in wine glasses. We thought this was the coolest thing, especially after a long day of playing chase during recess.
Then at times I would go home with him. One time we went swimming together and he invited me up to his room to play video games. He was playing Spiderman and he told me would rescue me (or something like that) like Spiderman did for his girlfriend. I remember feeling my cheeks blush.
As we got older we became even more corny. In fact one Valentines Day he brought me a candy rose and a box of chocolates. It was super adorable. He actually topped that gift a few months later when my mom invited him to my birthday party (she didn’t tell me he was coming, so he was somewhat of a surprise). After making him chase me around my house, I allowed him to give me my present. It was a pair of sunglasses that reminded me of the ones that Elton John wears (see picture below).
Mine were pink and then AJ had a blue pair that matched. We ended up wearing these sunglasses to the carnival down the street from my house. While at the carnival he got on this large ride that looked like the one below.
After he got off I told him, “Oh AJ, you gave me such a fright” (a saying my family still brings up). He was the sweetest. But eventually we got older and became distant, but the memories still seem fresh. This was my first “romantic” experience.
Today I was looking at relationship quizzes and I stumbled upon Seventeen Magazine’s website and began taking one of their quizzes. It brought back so many memories and made me realize how young I was when I began my obsession with love.
I remember sitting with my cousin Sara, reading magazines like M magazine to find out what our futures would hold. “Are you compatible?,” “Is he more than a friend?” “Should You Ask Your Crush out?”; all titles that determined our fates. I always debated with myself about whether or not I wanted to cheat by saying yes to all the questions on these quizzes just to make it seem as though my crush and I were madly in love. I would follow the bubbles and wait for the big reveal! I would read the descriptions at the bottom and then if I didn’t agree with the answer I would try the quiz again or at least read the other answers.
If the quiz did reveal that we were madly in love, I always felt overly excited because obviously this magazine would tell me the truth!
But my obsession with love didn’t stop at just magazines. I even looked to lovely online compatibility sites such as the one below to tell me that my crush and I were perfect.
(Yes, I’m aware it is Bratz, but I was young). So there I was around 12 years old wishing for love. I was so caught up in the idea of having a perfect romance that I looked to these magazines to tell me that true love did exist. The thing is I don’t know why I was so excited to be told that my crush and I were such a great match, it wasn’t like I was old enough or wise enough to act on it. Oh well, what I can I say they were childhood dreams that I still hold onto.
Imagine this, your ex-boyfriend is your cousin’s best friend and therefore he is always at family functions. Sounds awful right? Yeah, well that’s my life.
I didn’t think I would see my ex as often as I did the summer after we broke up, but unfortunately, fate hates me and decided to intervene. I was invited to my Aunt’s (the mother of my cousin) for a bon fire and a picnic one night. I decided to go with my dad and in my stomach I had a slight feeling that I would probably be face to face with the ex, but still tried to remain hopeful.
On the way there, I get a text message warning me that he was there. I began to feel annoyed by his unwelcomed presence, then to make matters worse, his new girlfriend was there.
They both gave me these looks of complete irritation. My ex looked as though he was Scrooge being haunted by ghosts of affairs past. His face went from smile to something of almost fear. In my head I enjoyed the knowledge that he was disturbed by my presence.
Her reaction though was by far the best. She ran to him like ants to food, reclaiming him as her own. I walked away thinking “hmm…I want nothing to do with him, so really you can have him” and laughed silently to myself. What I couldn’t comprehend though was why neither of them thought I would be there, especially since I kind of belong. I am family after all.
Anyway, the night progressed and he tried his hardest to ignore me but I constantly felt his eyes on my back. Finally I decided to make an awkward situation more awkward by saying “hey!” (I should mention this was after the girlfriend left) and then later asking if he wanted a drink. I enjoyed watching him squirm more than I probably should have…oops.
My friend and I used to hang out super late at night all the time because he would work until 10:00pm or sometimes even later. This meant 2:00am drives to this large lake in our hometown.
I had a crush on my friend (actually he was my first boyfriend, but that is besides the point) and one night he asked if I wanted to go night fishing. I agreed and asked my stepdad if I could borrow his fishing pole. I received the pole and later that night loaded up my friends car with my stuff and we headed to the lake. I should remind you that I hadn’t had a chance to go fishing in over a few years prior to this night. So we go to the lake which is literally so dark that we can’t even see our hands in front of our faces (a lantern may have been a good option, but neither one of us thought of this!).
My excitement to be spending time with my crush was slowly fading because I realized I couldn’t remember how to cast my line appropriately and then when I did cast I couldn’t even see where my line landed! He, on the other hand, was doing fine and I really didn’t want him to see that I was struggling, but at one point I brought my line in and couldn’t tell how where it was so it ended up wrapping all around my pole…I awkwardly asked for help.
After he fixed my line and hook, I cast a few more times. Well, again I brought my line in and this time it got stuck at the very tip of my pole and I couldn’t release it or do anything with it for that matter. I refused to let him see what a hot mess I really was and decided to call it a night. I sat on the bank and watched him. He asked me what I was doing and I just replied “I couldn’t see and I just want to chill” (aka: My line is a mess and I’m too embarrassed to ask for more help).
I realized that night that I am so not good at this whole flirting/dating thing and needless to say I gave up on fishing for a while.
I have to admit, I’ve had to break a couple hearts in my lifetime. Unfortunately, at times I probably wasn’t the classiest about rejecting those who came on to me. Don’t get me wrong I feel awful about having to use a few of the techniques that I did, but it was always necessary.
Allow me to tell you an example.
So there was this lovely kid from high school who started talking to me again shortly a after graduation. He was the one that always got picked on and I felt bad about that. I wanted to be his friend, so I did, it just happened to be after graduation.
He was the sweetest. He took me to dinner and movies and was always willing to pay for things. I tried my hardest to keep a friendly distance because I only saw him as a friend. But that didn’t stop him from trying. He would buy us sodas to share, tell me he missed me, and always attempt to put his arm around me. All these remarks usually got the reply “aww thanks!” I was starting to realize I needed to make the distance I wanted better known.
A few days after his birthday I took him to dinner and a movie to celebrate because none of his other friends ever did such a thing for him. I also bought him sour patch kids (two boxes because I never took him the box I promised a year earlier) and he loved it. He texted me that night and said, “the fact that you remembered I wanted these sour patch kids is just…<3” My heart sank and I didn’t know how to reply so I said, “You’re like a brother to me! Of course I would remember” He just said oh. That moment I felt like I crushed his soul. Oops. I couldn’t be completely honest because I felt like I would break him more.
He continued though and eventually I ended up having to say, “Yeah, I really see as family!”
I told my father how I had replied to these remarks and he said, “ouch, that’s cold!” and I knew it was but I’m human and really just didn’t know what else to say.
Talk about an awkward situation!
So I was starting to think more about lyrics after my last post. I have to admit I use lyrics to flirt. I never seem to actually succeed in this method but I try anyway.
I will send the guys I like hidden messages within lyrics. For instance, while listening to David Archuleta’s lyrics to Crush, I may send, “Do you ever think, when you’re all alone, all that we could be? Where this thing could go? Am I crazy or falling in love? Is it real or just another crush?” Now this is a more obvious example, but I don’t always use such obvious songs. It may be something as subtle as, “Shot through the heart and you’re to blame” (You Give Love a Bad Name, Bon Jovi).
I always felt like the person I was sending these lyrics to would be very dense in order to not get the hint. However, I was brought back to reality when a guy friend of mine told me the difference between men and women. He reminded me that women, especially me, put way too much thought into things like songs. He said, “I just hear lyrics and enjoy the song.”
I was confused as to why he wouldn’t notice the true meaning of a song, but then I remembered that I over analyze and that I think a brush on the arm means marriage, so he probably wasn’t too far off with his observations. Needless to say, his honest explanation made me realize why I never got comments from the guys I liked on Facebook or very few texts back. Hmm…Yeah. I should reconsider how I flirt.
I feel I have hit a new low. I can’t listen to love songs without feeling slightly envious of the relationships that are being sung about in very clear lyrics. Country songs are the worse for this. For example, “Crazy Girl,” by the Eli Young band is one of my weakness. It is so romantic and I feel like the man in the made up relationship is extremely supportive and just perfect.
Now don’t get me wrong, there are phases that occur when this kind of song comes on. The first begins with the whole idea that this song is adorable, and I will be completely obsessed and probably listen to the song every chance I get, then I will move into the whole “this kind of love doesn’t exist” phase.
“Crazy girl don’t you know that I love you….” this is the point when I usually either a. start singing or the b. start pouting and thinking about a deep meaning poem that describes my hatred for feeling heartbroken and lonely (because really my life is so difficult) and attempt to write down my heartfelt feelings as I listen to sad love songs on repeat (and if you are curious, no ice cream is involved, I haven’t reached that level yet). This phase is usually motivated by a memory of a past relationship gone wrong. Good or bad songs, memories are usually involved in some way.
This strong distain for love songs doesn’t usually last long because as I have mentioned I have an obsession with love and I believe that being angry is not a reason to give up on love.
I usually begin loving, love song again shortly after my little hissy fit and move on. This is usually the phase where I begin to fantasize about a guy coming to my window or to my door and playing my favorite love song, “Crazy Girl” perhaps and confessing his true feelings for me. I’m really a hopeless romantic. I can’t help it!
Side note: If you are trying to confess your love through songs check out this link!